PARENTS’ QUESTIONS ON CHILD DISCIPLINE
Nadine Block 
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The following are answers to questions that have been sent to the Center for Effective Discipline. Answers are given by Nadine Block, Director and retired school psychologist unless otherwise noted.
Circumstances and names have been changed for privacy purposes. We are unable to answer all questions submitted. Questions can be sent to info@stophitting.org.
Infant and Toddler Issues | Preschooler Issues | School Age Issues | Teenage Issues | To Spank or Not to Spank?
School Issues
Q: My 8 year old son was physically assaulted by the school principal last week. I’ve been to the police and to child protective services. I filed a complaint. They won’t do anything. I get referred to one agency after another. I took my son to the emergency room and I have photos of bruises to his buttocks from paddling.
I want what is right for my son but I don’t have money to hire a lawyer to fight this.
What can I do? N.M.
A: How frustrating for you! Many parents tell us it is almost impossible to get authorities to follow up on paddling injuries. They say that educators seem to have more legal protection than parents when it comes to abusing children. In twenty-two states, educators are allowed to paddle students for breaking school rules. State laws and local policies determine how paddling can be used. Check your state law under the laws section on this web site. You should ask for a copy of the paddling policy from your school board to see if the principal followed the required procedures. If he did not, you can bring this before the superintendent and board of education and ask that he be fired or reprimanded. The prosecutor can decide to press child abuse or assault charges against the principal. Document every person you talk to, the outcome and date of your contact. It will help you tell your story and may help build a civil case if you find a lawyer to take the case. If you run into a stone wall with authorities, contact a reporter from your local newspaper, television or radio station to tell your story and make a plea for banning corporal punishment in your school district. Tell your son that no person has a right to hit another person and that he should not have been hit. You may want to have him see a psychologist or other mental health person to see whether any treatment is needed.
Do you know any parents who might be willing to help you try to get corporal punishment banned in your school district? Contact us for a free publication with ideas about how to do that.
Q. What should I do? My pre-school child’s teacher is mean and will yank kids by their arms if they aren’t quiet? D. R.
A. Get an appointment with the preschool center director. If you saw the teacher grab children by the arm in an aggressive manner, report when and where you saw that happen. Ask the center director to observe the teacher in her interactions with children. Was this a one-time event? Is the teacher uncaring or disrespectful toward children in other ways? Is the teacher having personal problems? Ask the director what she/he will do about it and ask her/him to call you to follow up on your concerns. Chances are that the director will take care of the problem. If your child reports this but you haven’t observed it, you should still make an appointment with the director. Report that your child has told you this, that you understand that sometimes children misinterpret events (although, in this case it’s not likely), and that you’d like her/him to observe the teacher and get back to you. The center director can talk with the teacher about the issue in a less emotional environment than if you confronted the teacher. If you don’t feel that the director is addressing your concerns, you should look for other preschool care.
Q. What’s the big deal about bullying? When I was a kid, that was just something you learned to live with in school. It helped me toughen up. There are too many “do gooders” like your group interfering in schools. C.D.
A. The Center is primarily concerned with ending corporal punishment of children. Many people, like you, see concerns about protecting school children as weak and see people who express those concerns as interfering in something that is not their business. You seem to consider bullying (and maybe school corporal punishment) a harmless rite of passage. Bullying is harmful to children and needs to be stopped in the early grades of school before it becomes an entrenched behavior in the system. It creates a climate of fear among students and can lead to loneliness, insecurity, problem behaviors like smoking and drinking and deeper mental health problems. Studies have shown that school bullies are more likely to commit crimes as adults. In a survey by the National Institute of Child Health and Human Development, more than 20 percent of middle school students said they had been bullied or had bullied others. Schools need to have programs that provide training for teachers about bullying. Schools need to increase supervision of students during breaks, develop clear rules against bullying, intervene in bullying situations and protect victims. Violence at school, whether it is bullying or paddling students, should not be tolerated.
Q: There has been a serious decline in school discipline and I think it is because corporal punishment has been banned. I am a teacher and I find students to be very disrespectful. They know they can talk to teachers any way they want and get away with it. Detentions and suspensions don’t scare them. Maybe going back to corporal punishment would bring back the kind of discipline we need. A.T.
A: Putting back corporal punishment won’t improve school discipline. It won’t lead to any more respect from students than one gets from striking a spouse. Anger? Yes. Humiliation? Yes. Desire for revenge? Yes. Respect? No. Disrespect for authority is a problem in many schools. Many young people haven’t learned to respect authority and haven't had good models for learning that social skill. Tell students what you expect. Give them concrete examples of what “respect” means in school. Remember, some of them haven’t learned this. Praise kids who are respectful. There are several states with a long history of corporal punishment bans and the idea of re-instating it to cure discipline problems seldom comes up. The only country to reinstate corporal punishment after having banned it was Nazi Germany. There is no research to show that corporal punishment is effective. Corporal punishment doesn’t improve discipline and it won't make students respect teachers.
Q: Can you tell me about the Texas laws on corporal punishment in schools? I have been told that a parent must sign a waiver form to permit corporal punishment but my son’s school requires the exact opposite. I’m told that I must write a letter forbidding this. What’s the story?
A: In Texas, and in 21 other states (at this date 3-04), local school boards decide whether corporal punishment shall be used in schools. You need to ask for the policy on corporal punishment in your district to find out how and why it can be administered. Be sure to do what it requires to get your child exempted from paddling. I’ve talked to too many parents who said they didn’t think they needed to act on this because their children had never had any discipline problems. Unfortunately, they were contacting us regarding a paddling injury. They also tell me they are often told by protective services that they would be arrested if they had caused such injuries. If you hit your child with a board on the buttocks in front of Wal-Mart, you would undoubtedly be arrested. Yet, the educators in your school and many others can do so behind doors and are protected by criminal and, and in some states like Texas, civil immunity. Check LAWS on our website for laws on corporal punishment of children in your state.
Q: How should I punish my son effectively and properly? He wrote a swear word on his teacher’s calendar.
A: Corporal punishment is not the answer. Children just learn to avoid doing things when they think they might be caught. It can make kids sneaky. I believe that having him make restitution and give an apology to the teacher would be more effective in keeping him from doing such a thing in the future. If you want to make sure an apology is delivered, help him write a note to the teacher and help him deliver it. Have him ask the teacher how much it will cost to replace the calendar and then have him earn money (or take his allowance) to replace the one he defaced. I think that will be effective and he ends up with a bit of closure on the issue.
Q: I am a high school teacher and I believe banning corporal punishment is wrong. There is a right corporal punishment and a wrong corporal punishment. The right corporal punishment is a loving corporal punishment. If we used loving corporal punishment on children, we wouldn't be facing glaring problems in our society. S.A., KS
A: "Loving corporal punishment" does not exist for your spouse, your neighbor, or your neighbor's dog. We believe that "loving corporal punishment" does not exist for children. It is an oxymoron.
Q: It’s people like you who created Columbine. We wouldn’t need paddling in schools if kids today weren’t such spoiled brats like the Columbine boys. Your way of thinking has created a generation that has no fear of consequences.
A: I am struck by how angry you are. (This is from a much longer email and typical of some of the email we get). Do you know how the Columbine parents disciplined their children? Do you have any basis for saying that corporal punishment would improve discipline or create fear of consequences? The U.S. Department of Justice reports that juvenile crime is at a 30 year low. More school shootings take place in paddling states. There is a higher rate of incarceration of adults in paddling states. School paddling doesn’t seem to prevent school shootings or law-breaking. You may benefit from talking about your anger with a psychologist or other mental health specialist in your community. Do you have any insight into why you are so angry?
Q: I am a student teacher. An 11 year old kid kept getting in trouble at school and his Mom has trouble keeping under control. There is no father in the house. The boy is a very angry kid. I suggested mom take away the TV, video games, stereo, etc, so that there'd be no distractions. I came up with my "restricted luxuries" plan as an alternative to spanking him. What do you think? Mr. W
A: Your idea sounds sensible! You might also suggest an incentive chart for chores. It can help him get organized at home. It helps his mom and it can help him get positive attention. Here's how to do it. He and mom together make up a list of things that need to be done in the home. They post his list on the refrigerator. Each day he checks the list, does his chore and makes an X next to it showing that it was done. At the end of the week, if he completes his chores, Mom and he can do something special together like have a special dinner of his choice. He can get an extra couple of hours of TV on the weekend or whatever has been agreed upon in advance as a reward. Are you doing anything in class to help him with anger management or can the school counselor or school psychologist help out on that?
Q: Teachers in my daughter's school paddle students. I've written a letter asking that she not be paddled but I'm afraid to send it. Does a parent have a right to to send such a letter and expect that parents' wishes will be followed? TN parent
A: You have a right to write a letter to the school requesting that your child not be paddled and you should do so. Tennessee law allows school boards to decide if they will permit corporal punishment or not permit it and to make policies about how it is used. Whether they must honor your request depends on the school board policy adopted by the board. Stop by the board of education office and request a copy of the discipline policy for the district. The board policy may require that educators honor parent requests. If that isn't stated in the policy, ask the superintendent whether he/she thinks parents’ requests that corporal punishment not be used on their children should be honored. Tell why you oppose your child being hit. The superintendent might agree with you and may ask the board to require all schools to honor parent requests. If he doesn't agree with you and your written request won’t be honored, send the letter you have written with copies to the teacher, the principal and the superintendent. It's likely they may be a little more careful about hitting your daughter or may not hit her hard or often if they know you are opposed to it. They may decide not to hit her at all. You can find the TN law on school corporal punishment at LAWS on stophitting.org.
Q: Why don't you come up with an effective discipline for school districts? Paddling is declining and kids are getting worse and worse.
A: You ask us to come up with an effective discipline in schools. Discipline programs that work in schools really take involvement of everyone: leadership by the administration, a study of discipline problems in the district, a well-articulated and enforced set of rules, and a view by educators that behavior can be changed. No credible programs, in fact no programs that I am aware of, advocate corporal punishment. There are many, many programs for teachers on classroom management and alternatives, some of them very well- qualified, research-driven, and free programs. You’ll find some listed on our website www.stophitting.org. As far as today’s youth getting worse without corporal punishment, I invite you to look at our website “Fact vs. Opinion” at http://www.stophitting.com/disatschool/fact-vs-opinion-school-corporal-punishment.php You will see that states where corporal punishment is used most also have the highest rates of adult incarceration and have more fatal school shootings that non-paddling states. You will see that less violence against teachers has a positive correlation with ending corporal punishment in schools. Youth violence is at its lowest rate in 30 years according to the US Department of Justice. Much of the public seems to believe that hitting children makes them less violent, but that is not true.
Over l00 countries have banned school corporal punishment and 23 nations do not allow anyone, even parents, to hit children. Ending corporal punishment is good for parents, good for schools and good for children. It’s not going to happen overnight but it will happen.
Q: Is it excessive for the principal to require a six year old child to run laps for 30 minutes as punishment for an alleged misbehavior? I am angry and sad at the treatment my son has suffered this school year. M.D.
A: You ask if it is excessive to require first grade students to run laps for 30 minutes. YES. Its intent appears to be to cause physical pain because of a misbehavior (here an alleged misbehavior) which is corporal punishment. While it is rare, children have actually died from such punishments. It is ineffective because it doesn't deal with the presenting problem and is just a quick administrative fix. Your letter suggests that this punishment is part of a punative and bullying atmosphere in your son's school, an environment which has caused emotional harm to your son. I am so happy that you have withdrawn him and you are sending him to a private school in the fall. You might help other children in that school by writing a letter to the school board, the superintendent and the principal detailing the harm done to your child by the bullying and punative atmosphere there and you should recommend that the teachers have training in bullying prevention. I hope your son has a wonderful school year next year.
Q. HELP! My two year-old throws tantrums and is driving me crazy. M.B.
A. Two-year olds are learning to express anger and frustration. Because their language is limited, “no” and tantrums are likely occur on a regular basis. Sometimes you can see the child starting to get worked up. That’s your cue to turn her energy to a new activity. The child may be hungry or tired. Spanking may bring quick compliance but the child doesn’t learn the behavior you want. Spanking builds anger and resentment and provides a model for hitting to solve problems. Often you can ignore “no”. Behavior you pay attention to increases. When the child exhibits tantrums, keep a distance and try to talk about the problem, allow her to calm down and to explain why she’s angry. Even if she isn’t able to do that well, you can start showing her that you expect that will do that as she gets older. Don’t give in to the child or you will teach her to get her way through tantrums. If quietly talking at a distance doesn’t work, you may have to put the child in another part of the room or somewhere you can see and hear her while you pretend to ignore the behavior. It usually works within a short time. Reward your child for doing what you like. It this case it is for using words to get what he wants. Good rewards are a hug, a kiss, a smile, and a verbal “Thanks for using words”.
Q. My mother says that my two year-old, Jenny, should be taught not to touch the the beautiful antiques and glass that she displays in her house. She says a little slap on Jenny’s hands and a firm “no” will do that. I don’t think that will work but I’m scared that Jenny will break one of mother’s precious things. M.J.
A. Your mother seems to have forgotten or doesn’t understand that two year olds haven’t any control over impulses to touch things that attract them. Ask your mother if you slap the child’s hands next time she reaches for a piece of glass or antique, will her precious belongings be safe thereafter? The answer is “no”. It doesn’t work. Ask your mother if she will let you clear the antiques and glass from places Jenny can reach at the beginning of visits until she is old enough to understand your request and control herself. Perhaps your mother will take the hint and do that before you visit. If your mother doesn’t like your suggestions, you can offer to have her visit you at your house or meet at a park or other place where there won’t be such temptations for Jenny. You can make a concession to your mother by agreeing to leave one of her not-so-precious items on a table. When your child reaches for it, remove it to a safe place and say “no, this belongs to Grandma”. It is a start on teaching control and will probably make grandma smile.
Q. My twenty-month old son has been biting playmates and sometimes bites me. My sister-in-law says I should bite him back to let him know how it feels. What do you think?
A. When a parent bites back, it tells the child that this is okay to do. You want your son to stop the behavior because it hurts people. Hurting him back, whether it is biting him or spanking him, is not the answer. Even if the child thinks it is a game when he’s biting you, it’s important to say, “That hurts. Don’t bite”. At twenty-months, your son may be biting out of frustration because of not being able to express himself verbally or not knowing how to interact in social situations with other children. In play situations, observe your son carefully. If he looks like he’s getting upset and might bite, quickly intervene by giving him a hug and saying ”It’s not okay to bite”. Offer him a toy to distract him or give him a choice of other activities. Help him develop social skills that you notice are giving him trouble. Sometimes it is helpful to role-play with him certain social behaviors like how to share. He shouldn’t be expected to share well at 20 months. If your child bites another child, apologize to the child and to the parent. Say that you do not want your son to bite and you are trying to stop it. Explain how you are handling the problem to your sister-in-law quietly, firmly and with confidence. This way of dealing with the problem will take some time and work, but it is the best way of handling biting.
Q: My mother-in-law says we should slap our two-year old son's hands in order to teach him boundaries. We don't believe in hitting children. What can I say to her?
A: First of all, congratulations on not hitting your son. Hand slapping isn't a good idea because other methods of teaching boundaries work better in the long run and are more respectful of children. By hitting your son, you might get him to stop doing what he is doing momentarily but it doesn't teach him what you want to teach. We want children to use words to express their needs and we should also use our words in teaching boundaries rather than hitting them. We need to tell children about boundaries and what they can and cannot do but until they understand what we are asking and can comply with our wishes, it is best to use distraction and removal from such situations. Their attention spans are short and they frequently forget what they were going to do. I'd explain to your mother-in-law (or even better, have your husband explain) that you have a plan for dealing with boundaries and that parents in each generation need to do what they think is best for their children. She had her ways of dealing with boundaries and you have yours. Hopefully, she will be understanding.
Q. My four year old doesn’t pick up his toys when I tell him. Should I take away his toys for a day or two as punishment? B.F.
A. It’s not too early to expect your four year old to assume some small responsibilities around the home. Assuming responsibilities around the home helps build his confidence and increases his sense of belonging. It helps prepare him for school. Instead of saying “Pick up your toys”, say “We’re going to pick up toys now”. Then get more specific. “I’ll put the blocks in their box. You pick up all of the red toys (or square toys or toys with wheels) and put them on the shelf”. Continue until the toys are picked up. Then praise the result. “Now the room is clean. No one will trip over toys”. Let the child know (l) you expect that he will do this and (2) that you will participate and show him how to do it. Do this each day and try to vary the routine so that it is fun. Follow with praise. After a week or so, you might use a daily chart with a star after each day that he picks up toys by himself. This should work better than punishment.
Q. My five year old, Sydney, whines all of the time. It makes me want to scream! What can I do to stop this irritating behavior? J.B.
A. Somewhere along the way Sydney learned this is a great way to get your attention! We increase children’s behaviors, good and bad, by paying attention to them. It’s important not to let her continue to develop manipulative behaviors like whining.
Try giving her attention in other ways. Give her a big hug on the spur of the moment and say something like “Do you know how much I love you?” Schedule 15 to 30 minutes of special time with her each day when she chooses a quiet activity like playing a game with you and she gets your undivided attention. Eventually she’ll get enough attention and will let you know she has other things to do.
Let her know that whining is irritating to you and that you’ll have to leave the room if she whines (or shut off your ears if you are driving). Tell her you’ll listen when she talks to you quietly and respectfully. Then follow this plan – every time. It will go away!
Q. I don't believe in spanking and don't spank my five year-old son. I am the custodial parent. My ex-husband has visitation with him every other weekend. Can my ex-husband's wife and relatives hit my child when he visits them? My ex-husband won't talk to me about it. C.M.
A. I can understand how uncomfortable this makes you feel. You need to be watchful for bruising injuries and psychological problems related to corporal punishment such as anxiety and bed-wetting . If there is bruising, seek medical treatment quickly, take photos of injuries and make sure it is reported to protective authorities and the police. If you believe psychological problems are developing, see a mental health expert who deals with children.
Will your ex-husband and his wife sit down to talk about this with a third party such as a family therapist or attorney? While all states (except MN) give parents the right to use "reasonable corporal punishment" and 22 states allow schools to use "reasonable corporal punishment," that right is not automatically extended to others. Check your state's laws. If your ex-husband and his wife refuse to meet your concerns, you should speak to an attorney about your options to restrict or end your husband's visitation court order.
Q: My boyfriend thinks my daughter is a spoiled brat and has hit her twice with a belt leaving bruises even though I asked him not to do it. What can I do to get him to change? He’s really a wonderful person, otherwise. P.D.
A: If your boyfriend was really a wonderful person, he would respect your wishes and not abuse your child. Yes, your boyfriend is abusing your child. If someone had reported your daughter’s bruises due to the belt spanking, he would be dealing with protective authorities relative to child abuse. This doesn’t bode well for your relationship and you need to reconsider staying in it.
If you have trouble extricating yourself from the relationship, please see a mental health specialist who will help you. I am sure that individual will tell you that this man should not be around your child and probably not be around you.
Q: My daughter has told me several times that her father, my ex-husband, washes her mouth out with soap. He refuses to stop using this punishment. I want to stop this. Is this corporal punishment?
A: Soap has many harmful chemicals in its composition, and should never, ever be put into children's mouths. I hope you succeed in stopping this practice. Ask your attorney to make the case that this is a form of corporal punishment. Corporal punishment is generally defined as the intentional infliction of physical pain for purposes of reacting to disapproved behavior. The unpleasant taste, the chemical effect, of soap is physically painful, and I hope the courts will consider it so. A child abuse pediatrician at a children's hospital in your area may be willing to write a letter or give a deposition to that effect. You might also call your county childrens’ protective agency. Ask them before telling them why you are calling if your state allows foster parents to wash kids' mouths out with soap. I doubt it. That agency is likely to consider this corporal punishment, or at least as child-harmful and not allowed. They may be able to give you a reference to a state law or to a policy manual that your attorney can then quote in a court filing. Dr. Robert Fathman, President of the Center for Effective Discipline
Q: Our five-year old son frequently refuses to go to timeout when we send him. What can we do? DL
A: Here are some questions to think about. When you give a time-out, do you talk too much or do it in an angry manner? A rule of thumb is to send the child to timeout within l0 seconds of an unacceptable behavior (from a small list of such behaviors that have been explained to the child) for a time that is one minute for each year of the child's age and with no more than l0 calm, measured words by a parent. Parents sometimes overdo it- too many timeouts, too many disapproved behaviors, too much talking, angry words, and being inconsistent in doing it for a certain misbehavior. If you feel confident that you are following the general procedures and still getting refusals, you might want to bring this issue up with your pediatrician or a mental health specialist who deals with children.
Q: One of my co-workers at a preschool sometimes sprays children with water from a bottle if they are doing something wrong and she wants to stop them. Isn't this corporal punishment?
A: "This is done to dogs and cats, for example if a cat jumps on a counter. While it doesn't leave bruises, I would consider it a form of corporal punishment and tell her it is not acceptable. She should ask the person to consider how she would feel if her boss squirted her with the hose from a kitchen sink every time a report was late or inaccurate!" From: Dr. Robert Fathman, President of the Center for Effective Discipline.
I would add that we are trying to help children put their concerns in words and teachers should do likewise, both as an example to children and as persons who have studied how children learn and ought to be demonstrating that knowledge! Thanks for helping to make the world safer and more peaceful for children.
Q: Our four-year old is a picky eater. We haven't spanked her but we've done everything to try to get her to eat a variety of foods. What do you suggest?
A: A study in the American Journal of Clinical Nutrition in August 07 studied a large number of picky eaters and determined that 78 percent has a genetic cause and 22 percent is environmental. The article suggested family style service,not forcing food or rewarding eating certain foods, introducing new foods alongside items the child likes, cutting the foods into child-size shapes and sizes, and giving food "cool" names like "power peas". It says that food jags are normal and kids usually grow out of them. So chances are your daughter has inherited this tendency and that she will grow out of it! Patience seems to be the byword here!
Q: How can I go from hitting to talking with my five-year old daughter?
A: Thank you for sending more information about your discipline problem (additional emails from parent to www.stophitting.org).
I can see that you want to do things differently. You recognize that you hit your child in anger - sometimes when you are angry with others. Many parents do that for the same reason and they always feel badly later. Here are a couple of things to try:
l. Think of her misbehavior as a mistake rather than her trying to embarrass you. Think of how you like to be treated when you make a mistake. For example, wouldn't you want people to quietly take you aside and talk to you about it?
2. When you are angry and you might hit her, count to l0 or walk out of the room for a minute or two until you can get calm. Ask yourself, "What do I want her to learn?" I know you don't want her to learn to hit others when she is angry. When you give yourself a "time-out", you have time to think about what you can say to try to help her with her behavior.
3. Here's a little secret that parents tell me does wonders: Catch her being good! Tell her when she asks for something nicely (rather than whines), "Thank you for asking me in your nice voice." Find two or things that bother you and then praise the opposite behavior such as whining (which you don't want to see) and "nice voice" (which you want to see). Praise the nice voice. Why is this so powerful? Because it starts leading you to look for "good behavior" rather than misbehavior and it gives her praise which she so much wants from you.
Is this helpful? Thank you for trying to be the best mom you can be! See how the suggestions help you go from spanking to talking! Nadine
Q: I was in a shopping mall last weekend when I saw a mother hitting and slapping a preschooler. I felt so frustrated but didn't know what to do.
A: It must have been so frustrating seeing a woman slapping and spanking a child and being unsure what to do. We have posted on our website some suggestions:http://www.stophitting.com/disathome/parentSupport/abusive-discipline-in-public-places.php The information may help you devise a plan if you should observe something like this again. If you were in a store, I would try to get the store manager to intervene. I would call the police if I thought the child was being injured. You may be able to calm the mother down and protect the child by taking some of the steps suggested on the link. Thank you for protecting children.
Q. My eight and ten year-old boys are like Cain and Abel. How do I stop them from fighting all of the time? L.V.
A. Most siblings fight. Boys tend to fight more than girls. Perhaps it’s their nature. Perhaps we expect them to fight more and they live up to our expectations. Helping them learn control their aggression and work out problems takes time, patience and thought. If you don’t know how the fight started, it’s important not to take sides – either with the younger or with the older child. If you take sides with one on a regular basis, he’ll see starting a fight as a good way to get his brother in trouble and the other will see your actions as unfair and unloving. If you observe that one child is starting a fight, it’s important to remove the child quickly and discuss what you saw and why it must stop. Perhaps you can institute a reward chart for him using a positive action that would avoid the fight. Sometimes in frustration, parents hit one or both children. Hitting them because they are hitting one another is hypocritical at best as you’re saying, “I’m going to hit you because you hit someone”. The goal in discipline is to teach children to solve problems in ways other than hitting. Hitting them will stop their behavior for the moment, but it doesn’t teach children how to deal with problems. Hitting them as punishment sends a message that violence is an acceptable way to solve problems.
Try to find out why they are fighting. Have a quiet discussion at bedtime or other relaxed time about why kids fight and what they can do instead. Some parents say long drives with children in cars provide a good time for family talks. Ask them what they think the consequences for fighting should be. Finding out their reasons for fighting may help you stop a fight before it begins by allowing you to intervene and redirect their attention when you see a build-up of teasing, frustration, stress, overtiredness, and other behaviors. Perhaps you have been comparing them and this has lead to resentment and anger. Perhaps there is a school stressor like bullying or poor grades. Perhaps family members provide a poor example by solving problems with anger and violence. Helping children identify their feelings and look for ways for dealing with them gives them options for solving problems without resorting to hitting one another.
It is important to express your confidence that they can find ways not to fight and that you praise the behavior you like – cooperating, being kind, and helping one another.
Here are some tips that might be helpful:
- Teach them to stop, think about their feelings, and use words to describe them. You can make them sit on a sofa and not leave until they have described their feelings to one another and come up with a solution together. Instruct them quietly and firmly on this process and sit quietly nearby until they have agreed on a solution. It will probably take repeated times doing this to decrease the fighting.
- If they are very angry or you are very angry with them, send them to separate rooms until they are ready to come out to talk about feelings and a solution.
When I was a child with four siblings, my parents made it clear that they didn’t like fighting. When we fought, we were sent to the garden to weed. We couldn’t quit until we were had their permission. We went to the garden angry at one another and talked a lot about plans to run away from our “mean” parents. I guess the “mean” parents knew something. We stopped fighting. However, I hate gardening. - If you think they are using you as an audience, have them go to a room together and not come out until they have a solution to the problem.
- If your efforts to control fighting aren’t working or if your family regularly uses verbal abuse or acts physically aggressive to one another, you need to seek counseling. Your pediatrician, school psychologist or school counselor may be sources for names of mental health practitioners who have experience and success in working with children’s emotional/social problems.
Q. My wife jumps up to make a completely new meal for our seven-year-old daughter every time she complains about the dinner being served. I think she’s making her a little tyrant! T.D.
A. Food shouldn’t be an issue that leads to power struggles but in many families it is just that. It’s a parent’s job to put healthy food on the table and children should be able to decide how much they want to eat. If a child dislikes certain foods, a simple alternative should be pre-planned with the child. Perhaps a peanut butter sandwich or a bowl of cereal and fruit could be established alternatives. The child should be in charge of preparing them. It is important to have healthy snacks like fruit and vegetables for between meal hungers. Making a child sit at the table until her food is eaten, serving the same food for the next meal, sending her to dinner without food, or bargaining over what is to be eaten and how much lead to stressful dinners and an overemphasis on food. Will your wife’s caving in to your daughter on food make her a little tyrant as you suggest? It is giving your child a power that she shouldn’t have and certainly won’t cure finicky eating problems.
Q. My son had a horrible school year this past year. His teacher took a dislike to him, made nasty remarks to him, and found ways to punish him for trivial things. While he didn't complain a lot, parents of his classmates came to me with their concerns about his treatment. Please give me suggestions for dealing with this. CA
A. I'm so sorry that your son had such a difficult situation this year. How fortunate he is to have a parent who talks with him about his feelings. How fortunate that he is able to talk about his feelings! Many children would have to "stuff" these feelings because they don't feel it is safe to talk about them or don't know how to do that. We need to be especially alert to boys being able to do that because society doesn't encourage boys to be sensitive to their feelings.
I'd talk with him about what could be learned from such a situation-such as there are "mean" people in this world. That is a reality. How does one defend oneself against such people? Adults have options that children don't. Adults can often quit a job when there is a mean boss. For children, talking to a caring adult is one solution. Giving oneself helpful messages is another way (i.e. "she thinks I'm really stupid but I am not")
What else can one do? Does the principal know about this? Would some of the parents who talked to you go with you to the principal to urge supervision and counseling of this teacher? If the principal isn't helpful, you might go to a member of the school board to discuss options for the board to take. This won't change your child's experience, but it may help some other children and it shows your child that adults try to make situations better by taking action.
You might also ask that the principal be sensitive to your son's placement next year as he needs to have a positive educational experience.
Q: Is it “corporal” punishment if you make kids do handwriting exercises as a punishment for misbehavior? D.A.
A: We don’t have a position on this. I personally think if this is done for a few sentences with a brief discussion of why it is being done before and after, it wouldn’t be harmful. The age of the child and the duration of the punishment have to be considered. It won’t be more effective by making the task longer. Like time-out, punishment writing can be ineffective and even abusive if done too long or if you do it as a punishment too often. Words work best in changing behavior. The child should understand what he/she has done wrong and what needs to be done next time. Your concern about the misbehavior stated firmly, respectfully and quietly along with the expected behavior next time is the real motivator for change.
Q: I am a grandmother whose grandchildren have their mouths washed out with soap as a punishment by their parents. I am very concerned.
A: Soap is not meant fo human consumption. It can be mixed with water and put in a spray bottle to coat houseplants as an insecticide. A look at the bottle will show many harmful ingredients, and a call to the manufacturer's 800 line will surely result in a reply that says "don't do that." Some soap products have lye in them, which is corrosive to the mucosal membranes of the mouth and throat. It is not a food product and should never be ingested.
I am not aware of any laws that directly speak to this issue, but as a mental health professional who treats children and families in my practice, I can tell you it is harmful and should never be done. Whether or not is meets a legal definition of abuse probably depends on your state, and your particular protective services agency. You can call them and discuss it with a "child abuse caseworker," anonymously. Could you also contact the child's doctor and alert him or her to this practice, suggesting that it be brought up on the next visit? From: Robert Fathman, PhD co-chair of EPOCH-USA
Q: My 9 year-old son hits himself or slaps himself in the face when he is frustrated. What can I do to stop that? JK
A: Some children are awfully hard on themselves. It may due to temperament. Maybe adults in their families or schools are hard on them. Sometimes adults provide poor models for handling frustration. Sometimes we don’t know why children do it. It becomes a habit. Habits can be broken. You might try helping him say kind words to himself when he makes mistakes. He may be saying to himself “I’m stupid” or something like that. Tell him he should say “Everyone makes mistakes” and he should stop hitting himself. After he does that, ask him what he can do to fix the problem. Be a model for that. When you make a mistake, say “Everyone makes mistakes” and say how you’ll fix the problem. Try keeping a chart for him and giving a star or check for every day that goes by without hitting himself and for saying “Everyone makes mistakes” when he is frustrated. Praise him for his successes. While habits can be broken, sometimes it takes time. Give this process a few weeks. If you cannot help him, make an appointment with a mental health professional in your community who deals with children and seek that person's advice.
Q: My l2-year old daughter lies a lot. I've tried everything, spanking, push-ups, grounding, taking away things, etc. but nothing works. Please help.
A: You are right to conclude that punishments like spanking and push-ups don't correct the problem. Punishments typically aggravate lying because children lie even more to avoid such punishments.
All children lie sometimes so we don't want to blow it out of proportion. As a general suggestion, never set up a child to lie by asking a question where you already have an answer. For example, if the school reports your daughter cut class that day, don't ask her what you already know. Say instead, "Let's talk about why you skipped class today. Did you have problems with your homework? Is there something I can do to help?" When things are quiet and there hasn't been any recent conflict, sit down with your daughter and ask why she lies. Listen carefully and don't criticize the answer. Tell her that you know she knows this is a bad habit and you will help by setting up a sticker chart. For every day with all truthful answers, she gets a sticker. After she gets a certain number of stickers like 5 or 7, an award that you work out together will be given. You might also want to set up some time with a mental health specialist who works with children to help you get additional coaching tips. Robert Fathman,PhD Center for Effective Discipline President.
Q: Our eleven-year old son argues about any request we make. How can we change his behavior?
A: Young people in their pre-teens often challenge authority at home and sometimes at school. It "goes with the territory", but there are things that can be done to help get compliance to requests without arguing (and nagging). Perhaps you and your spouse could sit down and make a not-too-long list of requests that you expect to be obeyed without arguments (like 4 important things). An example might be: "Picks up his clothes when requested". What you want to do is not make the list too long even though there could be many things you'd like to put down. The object is to get him in the habit of obeying without arguing and to make it feel good and have a payoff. You and your spouse might then list a consequence for each item for not obeying the request after you have asked twice. It might be losing his video games for the day - or something that he likes (not hitting him of course). You might come up with a way to acknowledge his compliance on the chart. A certain number of check marks next to the requests (showing he did what he was supposed to do without arguing) for the week might earn something he'd like. You can make a chart of these and you may want to think of it as tentative until you take the next step. After you and your spouse put this together and agree to back one another up, sit down with him -talk to him about the problem of his arguing and how it is affecting you - it is causing you concern and frustration. Ask him why he thinks this is happening and LISTEN without comment. You may revise the plan when you hear what he says but it is more likely that you will need to go on to tell him what you are planning. His input into what he would like (rewards essentially) would help seal his participation. When kids get this age, it's good to get them involved in the problem and the solution and to give them the opportunity to talk without interrupting them.
Put the chart some place where you can both see it daily. Also be sure to praise him for doing what you asked. Kids like to know that they are pleasing you. Do NOT go beyond the number of requests established (it's nagging and gives him a chance to argue) without implementing the consequence and ALWAYS follow through even when it is inconvenient. Best of luck.
Q: My husband is very mean to our son. He yells at our son if he makes a mistake on his homework or if he doesn't finish his food at the dinner table. Sometimes he not only yells but locks our son in the bathroom when he is angry. He won't listen to me.
A: I am sorry that your husband seems to be short-tempered with your children. I am sure that you have tried to talk to him about this at times when things are calm and the children aren't around. Yelling at your son and locking him in the bathroom over not eating all his food at the dinner table is harmful. Did his parents treat him like that? If so, how did he feel about that? How can you change his behavior? It sometimes helps to talk about how the harmful behavior (yelling at your son and locking him in the bathroom) makes you feel - sad, frightened, worried. Talking about how you feel usually works better than criticizing or complaining. Some men (and women too) are hypersensitive to what they consider "criticism". You could ask him if what he is doing is working (I am sure it isn't) and whether he would consider trying something else. Perhaps after telling him how you feel, you both might work on one problem, like the eating issue. Catching children being "good" is far better than punishment. Children want to please their parents and are more likely to respond to this kind of treatment in a positive way. If you try this and it works, be sure to tell your husband how much more you enjoyed dinner, how much more peaceful it was. Your husband will react to praise too. Have you ever attended a parenting program to get tips on discipline? Many communities have parenting programs that deal with positive discipline.-- churches, mental health offices, schools. I would ask my husband to go with me, if I were you. If he won't go, you can go and at least get the support of other folks.
Talk to the school counselor or school psychologist about the homework issue. Maybe they would help you talk to your husband about the kinds of parental support for homework that is helpful.
Have you gone to a mental health specialist about this? When it is impossible to have a discussion with a spouse, a third party may be helpful in showing better ways to deal with eating and home work issues. There are frequently counselors in the community who will treat people on a sliding fee basis (on what you can pay). If your husband won't go, you should go by yourself. You need some support. I'm sorry you have to deal with this kind of behavior and hope that something in my response may be helpful.
Q. My l5 year-old daughter’s room is a pigsty! She promises to clean it but never does. How can I get her to start cleaning her room on a regular basis? D.A.
A. Teenagers have lots of priorities that often don’t include wanting to be around the house or engaged in keeping it orderly. Some parents give up on getting teens to keep clean rooms saying that there are only so many things they want to fight about and clean rooms don’t seem important. In actuality, learning how to and doing chores around the house are important because they gives teens basic domestic survival skills they will need when they leave home. Accomplishing home chores also gives them self-confidence, a sense of contributing to the family, and a feeling of self-reliance. It helps if teens have had a history of performing chores since early childhood and see the value of their efforts. If your daughter doesn’t have that history, it’s still not too late for her to learn. Sit down with your daughter and explain your need for order and the reasons she needs to learn to clean her room on a regular basis. Tell her you’d like to clean it with her so you can show her what your idea of a clean room is. As you do so, make a list together of what needs to be done for the room to be clean. You may have to negotiate some things. It can become a checklist for her to do. Have her choose one or two times during the week when she follows her checklist. Sometimes, it’s just making teens see that this is a manageable job and that they’ll feel better when it’s done. Praising the teen for work done according to the standard also helps make it worthwhile for her. That can be verbal, a hug, or even a “Go Girl!” sign on her door.
Q. I found some pills in my son’s pocket. I think he’s using drugs. What do I do now? F.L.
A. Drug use is the number one worry parents have about teens according to some studies. Teen alcohol and substance use affect a substantial percentage of teens and wreak havoc, not just on themselves, but also on their families. It must have been terribly disturbing to find the pills. The first thing to do is to sit down with your son at a time when you feel you can talk calmly. Share your concerns and ask him what is going on. Find out what he knows about drugs, what kinds of drugs teens are using in his school, what their effects are and what others think about the drug users. Ask what happens to people who use drugs. Talk about the issue of experimentation vs. addiction. Addiction is when the drug or substance becomes more important than anything else in life and one’s life is planned around getting and using. If your family has a history of drug or alcohol addiction, let your son know. Let him know that it makes him more susceptible to addiction problems. Take an honest look at your own use of alcohol and drugs. Your example may not be exemplary. Try to keep an open line of communication with him by not lecturing but by asking questions that make him think. This is too tough a problem for you to handle alone. Seek advice from drug education specialists, Alcoholics Anonymous, or Narcotics Anonymous.
Q: I know this section is for parents but I have a problem. I am sixteen years old and my father still hits me. He hits me for dumb things. I don’t think that’s right. What can I do to stop this? MJM
A: I’m sorry that your father uses corporal punishment to discipline you. Many young people tell us that they feel angry, hurt and humiliated by this. Our laws are not very respectful of children. Only children can be hit according to the law. We can’t hit spouses, or neighbors, or even the neighbor’s dog. We hope the laws will be changed to be more protective of children in your lifetime. In the meantime, there are limits to corporal punishment in your state and other states. If there is bruising, protective authorities will usually intervene. If you are injured, you need to tell an adult you trust like a teacher or counselor who will report it. You can also call yourself. Check out LAWS on our website. You will find out about the corporal punishment laws in your state. Do not take physical action against your father. One of the first things you can do is to vow you will never hit your children when you are an adult. You know how destructive this is to your relationship with your father and I’m sure you want to break that cycle. Can you talk to your dad when things are calm and good between you? Maybe you could talk while you are driving in the car or doing something else together. I know that will be hard to do. It's hard to talk about our feelings sometimes. It’s often best if you can talk about how it makes you feel and what you wish he would do instead of hitting if he feels you must be punished. If you are unsuccessful in talking to your dad, is there any other adult you can talk to about this (your mom, an aunt or uncle, a teacher) and who might help you by talking to your dad? Best of luck to you. Get back to us if you need to talk more.
Q: My dad used to hit us with boards and belts. I am really angry and hurt about that. I am sure I will never hit my children. I went to talk to him about it and he yelled and said he should have hit us harder. How can I talk to him about that? C.F.
A: Many people look back in anger and pain at corporal punishment in childhood. You have a right to be hurt and angry. Your feelings should have been respected. You asked how to talk to him about this. It's likely that your dad was hit by his parents and he thought that was how to teach kids to behave. When you told him how you felt about the beatings, he probably couldn't deal with your pain. Give him a couple of weeks or a month, and try to talk with him again. Ask if he is ready to listen to you. Tell him you just want him to love you and apologize for what happened. If he can't deal with that and you still feel angry and hurt, ask to see a psychologist or other mental health professional. The most important thing is that you have decided not to hit your children. Starting with you, generations of children in your family are more likely to grow up in peace and safety.
Q: I baby sit a friend’s boy who is l3. She wants me to discipline him. The parents are very religious and said they’d give me written permission to hit him. Is that legal? CR
A: I’m not sure if it is legal but I certainly wouldn’t do it because (l) the boy may defend himself and you might get hurt, (2) his parents could sue you if you leave marks or cause other injuries or they could injure him in a disciplinary act and say you did it, and (3) it doesn’t work. You might tell her a number of authorities have spoken against hitting children of that age (and many have spoken out against hitting children of any age). Dr. James Dobson said in a Quad City Newspaper article (“Quantity, quality vital for time with kids”, 6-3-04) , “Corporal punishment is not effective at the junior and senior high school levels, and I do not recommend its application.”
Q: My teenage son hardly speaks to me. He’s mad because I used to spank him when he was younger and getting into trouble at school. We found out it didn’t work and I quit but he’s angry about it and doesn’t want to talk about it. FL
A: I'm sure you have apologized but he doesn’t want to hear it. You may want to do it again, in writing, so he can read and re-read it. Don't explain why again. He's heard that, and can't relate to that. Try to imagine all the ways the spankings may have affected him in his life, and put those thoughts in your letter, to convey that you have deeply thought about this. For example, it may have made it difficult for him to trust, or to know what it means to be a man, or to feel comfortable with the idea of ever having children himself. Those are just a few starters for you. And of course at the end, again apologize, and tell him you are asking his forgiveness and a fresh start. Tell him why you love about him, what makes you proud, and why you want to have a good father-son relationship. (Answer from Dr. Robert Fathman, a clinical psychologist and President of the Center for Effective Discipline)
Q. I am not in favor of physical abuse or intentionally harming a child. I am not even stating whether I support spanking. I am only interested in parental rights. Do you believe that each parent has a right to parent his/her child according to his/her own beliefs? K.R.
A. You have asked a thoughtful question. There are strong feelings about parents' rights in this country. Parents have the right to raise children as they see fit but that right is not unconditional. Some people believe that passing laws to restrict or end corporal punishment of children interferes with parents' rights. Our government has a responsibility to protect its vulnerable citizens and has passed laws to do so many times in the past. In the late l970's, child abuse laws were passed which were modeled on laws protecting animals. Domestic violence laws have been passed by congress in the past few years. It is no longer permissible to hit a spouse.
Corporal punishment of children is an at-risk behavior which can easily lead to child abuse. Billions of dollars are spent on child abuse prevention annually, our child abuse rates continue to be high, and children continue to fall through the cracks of the institutions that were designed to protect them. We are failing children, not just by not curtailing abuse, but because we often not providing the kind of discipline that leads to self-disciplined, productive and caring adults. Eleven nations do not allow parents or any caregivers to hit children. They have low rates of child abuse. We need to move toward ending corporal punishment through education and legal reform. Through education efforts such as SpankOut Day USA April 30th, we can develop a national ethic that it is not right to hit anyone, including children. We can look at the anti-smoking campaign and see that such a dream can be realized.
Q: I turned out OK and so did my brothers and sisters. Why does your organization say that hitting and spanking only hurts kids? My mother taught us to be good and spanked the children in our family when we did something wrong. There were six of us and we all turned out well. We learned to be respectful and we learned what is right and wrong. If spanking isn’t done harshly, it helps kids. D.K.
A: A. Dear DK, your mother must have done a lot of good things. You said she taught you to be good. Teaching children right and wrong, intervening when they do wrong, praising good behavior, and establishing expectations for good behavior help children to become respectful, caring, and responsible adults. She obviously did those things. She probably did not spank very much or very hard. You will never know if you and your siblings could have turned out even better if you’d been raised in a firm, loving home without any spanking. The research on spanking clearly shows that spanking is a risk factor for a number of negative outcomes. That doesn’t mean that every child who is spanked turns out bad just as not every person who smokes for a lifetime develops cancer. Your family is an example of this.
Q: Sweden banned corporal punishment of children even in homes in l979. Look what happened. Swedish teens today are alcoholic, drug-users, and getting into lots of trouble with the law.
A: Apparently you have been hearing about Sweden's law from folks who really don't know much about it. Many critics said that parents would hit and injure more children out of frustration in complying with the l979 ban. That didn't happen. They said the morals of the country would go downhill with youth becoming badly behaved, drug and alcohol abuse rising, etc. That didn't happen. We are sending you journal articles about the successes of Sweden. These are articles written by researchers and published only after their peers have reviewed them.
If you take time to read these articles, I think you will see that the Swedes are doing well....almost no child abuse or child deaths due to physical abuse, low youth crime and other kinds of crime. The banning of corporal punishment of children has not led to problems among youth.
Q: GIVE ME A BREAK! My adult children are the most well behaved , happy and confident children that anyone has ever met and they were spanked. They learned respect! What do you say about that?
A: I am so glad your children learned to be respectful and that they turned out so well. I am sure that the few spankings you gave them as you indicated did not irreparably damage them. I am also sure you did a lot of good things that helped create their good character and responsibility.
Whenever people start out a communication with something like "GIVE ME A BREAK"!, I can feel their anger and disrespect and that tends to shut off communication with me or others they are trying to persuade.